Brothers in Arms: Side-by-Side in Missions

Flash forward. A year into life overseas as a single, you finally see its face. The looming creature had previously limited itself to loom in the background. Like a distant shadow, it was content to lurk behind you at a distance. Occasionally you had felt its presence. You remembered its chilling touch slowly, that gut-dropping feeling, pulling your heart down into your gut. That sinking feeling, which too many men today know all too well. What once was quiet, coiled in the near distant dark, now glowers at you face-to-face. It is Loneliness. Desirous for a friend, you almost view his darkened embrace in hopeful expectation. Beware. To embrace Loneliness is to sow the seed of want into fallow fields. Loneliness will reap the harvest fruits, the fruit of despair and loss. Your hope lies elsewhere. 

Loneliness is very real, and it is by no means solely present overseas. Today, a significant percentage of young adults will have dealt with loneliness in significant ways. You may have already had to wrestle with the shadowy Loneliness in your life. Whatever you are dealing with right now will more than likely be amplified when you go overseas. Since only X% of missionaries are single men, meaningful expat relationships will be harder and harder to find. 

What then is a single man to do? 

Before I share my proposal for you to apply in the present, allow me to speak to the single already overseas. Loneliness may be lurking nearby but there are opportunities available to you.

First, adoption. Many single men I have interviewed share a similar story. Some local family or teammate adopts them as one of their children. They feed the single and invite them to family events and outings. I, myself, had two South Asian mothers, who cared for me on a consistent basis.

The second is seeking out friendships beyond your team. Yes, God can accomplish this with friendships with non-believers, but beware that the cross-cultural gap may limit the extent to which you can connect. I do recommend connecting with expats on other teams or in the adjacent communities. Speak to your teammates about making space in your schedule for these types of relationships or for wisdom if security is a concern.

Anyways, on to my proposal. Here it is:

Don’t Go in Alone.

In my interviews, I talked with A. His time in Africa as a single was incredibly unique compared to most single men. Rather than being surrounded by a team of families and single women. He was on a team composed of three single men. Hearing about his experience, I honestly grew jealous hearing him talk about the camaraderie and adventures the A’s teammates had had as three singles, let alone how the Lord powerfully used them. 

That is why my proposal to you is to develop meaningful friendships and launch overseas together. 

“And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” — Ecclesiastes 4:12

Think over the scope of Scripture and consider the great duos within Its pages. Beginning with the classic missionary example, Paul. Every time he went out on a missionary journey, some apostolic heavy-hitter was by his side — Barnabas, Luke, Timothy, and Silas to name a few. Nehemiah returning to rebuild Jerusalem partnered with Ezra who called the people to rebuild their devotion to the Lord. David had Jonathan. Elijah, Elisha. And Moses, Aaron. These men served the Lord as brothers-in-arms, battling the Enemy and building the Kingdom.

Jesus knew this. Whenever He sent out His followers (Mark 6:7-13), He sent them out two-by-two. Why not enter the mission field in the same manner?

As it stands, you are in a preparatory phase at least in considering missions. You are like David, having retreated to the Cave of Adullam. Rightly he possessed a claim to the throne of Israel, just as God has named you a co-heir in His inheritance among the nations. The time has not yet ripened. So you wait like David. But your waiting does not have to be wasted.

“And everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul, gathered to him. And he became commander over them. And there were with him about four hundred men.” — 1 Samuel 22:2

You can develop the skills and relationships for God’s mission among the nations. Start training with the future battle in mind. Build real relationships or partake in Lonelinesses’ cold embrace.

Here are some simple practices for building meaningful relationships in the here and now: 

1. Kill technology in your life. A follow online is not a friend in real life. You intuitively know this, but if you are like the average man your age, you do not live your life accordingly. I know because I’ve been there. Treat your phone like a tool and a vice. It is a tool to connect you to friends in the real world, and it is a vice that pretends to be the real thing. In loneliness, we are prone to chase the dopamine kicks of social media friendships, devoting more time to diminishing returns. It’s like someone struggling with cigarette addiction, thinking that heroin is the way out. No! Put down the cigarettes, the phone, and go outside.

2. Develop soft skills, not just academic ones. You need to build up your confidence and social abilities. Sure, sure extroversion and relatability have personality driven aspects, but that is not how they are purely derived. Connecting and influencing people are learned traits. Go learn the skills to strike up conversations with strangers, tell meaningful stories, and make people laugh! If you develop these traits, you will be well served by them your entire life on and off the mission field. Being socially awkward is not “just my plight in life.” You are empowered to pull yourself out of that pit, so seek out mentorship and guidance to develop social, the soft skills of life. It will be hard, but a life of social awkwardness will be even harder.

3. Lean into male proclivities. Men are tangibly oriented. We do friendships side-by-side, unlike women who do life face-to-face. This is why we gravitate to activities—sports, video games, clubs, services, etc. So if you are struggling to apply exercise 2, you should consider joining a sports club or a hobby group. Don’t just set up face-to-face “coffee dates” with a group of guys. This is just not compelling to us men. 

As you form deeper friendships, you should be entering into more meaningful spiritual conversations. Perhaps, you form a friends group united in some sort of service or faith-oriented activity like a small group or Bible study. Out of this group may emerge one or two men, with who you have a growing, natural friendship. Partners in ministry in the States may well become partners in ministry overseas. 

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” — Proverbs 27:17

As men, we are built by God for living life with brothers in arms. Here are steps you and these brothers can move towards considering serving overseas together. They are not prescriptive, but they are potential beneficial practices before going overseas: 

1. Share life. The aim is to increase the overlap of the areas of your life. One of the easiest ways is to be roommates or move into the same apartment complex, dorms, or neighborhood together. When you move overseas, these friends will also operate as your co-workers, classmates in language, roommates, co-ministers, etc. A higher frequency of interaction stateside could help you prepare for missions.

2. Serve together locally. You should serve alongside one another, preferably cross-culturally. In doing so, you will learn each other’s skills and giftings, and some soft skills (win-win!). Also, if you are waiting to go overseas to begin serving in ministry, you are a fool and most sending organizations will not send you. Serve locally, build the skills, and learn true ministry partnership.

3. Go on a short-term mission trip together. See number 2. They are similar benefits with the added exposure to a foreign context.

4. Practice Peacemaking and Accountability. Sin is real. Man is fallen. You and your friend(s) will sin against each other. The Enemy and your flesh glory in your failings, but you don’t have to let them win. There are great resources for both, and your church leadership, I’m almost certain, would love to guide you in building habits and practices in both. This will aid you in extraordinary ways serving overseas.

5. Do a study together. Maybe your friend(s) are not fully on board with the idea of missions. You could work through a book, a podcast, or a Bible study together that has missions as its focus. Shameless plug: you can check out our Single Male Missionary study here. These can help broach the topic of missions and give you some great fodder for practical and theological discussions.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10

Whatever you do, wherever you go, Loneliness may follow, but you need not fear. Mobilize your brothers to join you in God’s Kingdom task. Crush the Enemy and build the Kingdom! 

Even in the absence of your brother in arms, the Lord is near. He knows you by name. He takes pleasure in the work of your hands. And He celebrates in your life. Praise be unto Him!